Email From Security

From: Security
To: User
Subject: Cut the shit

Dear

This email is in regards to your recent download of "Ja Rule - R.U.L.E."

First of all, who the fuck listens to Ja Rule. I mean really.

Let's be clear, I could give a fuck less if you want to pirate music. Hell, I'm in FAVOR of illegal downloads. Nothing like Robin-Hood'ing those motherfuckers. When I have to think really hard before buying a DVD or a six pack, while the latest MTV flash-in-the-pan has 18 diamonds glued to his teeth, I think we can agree the recording industry is corrupt as hell and deserves what they get.

But regardless, for better or for worse, I'm the one stuck wasting my time responding to DMCA complaints when your stupid ass decides to use your employer's internet connection to download this shit. I know you don't realize it, but every time you do something stupid, a little alert pops up on my desktop, and then I have to do something about it. Believe it or not, I have better things to do with my time. Those Facebook status updates don't write themselves, you know.

In short: smarten up, or I'm changing your desktop background to lemonparty and disabling all your accounts.

Love,
Security